Wine moms, wine moms, wine moms. What would we do without them? Honestly, the world would be about ten times less entertaining, and drunk.
They’re the mom that doesn’t leave the house without at least a carry-on bottle of Pinot and miraculously maintains a constant buzz throughout the day. She’s the “fun mom” who isn’t afraid to tell her friends they’re lame when they don’t want to down a bottle of wine on a Tuesday. This article explores all the glory that comes with being a wine mom and, honestly, it’s incredible.
Fill That Up With Wine
Wine moms are not here for your “water challenges.” They don’t mind if you do them, but don’t even think about pushing your hydration agenda onto them.
Debbie is speaking for all the wine moms when she calls out her friend who posted this tragic picture. Water challenge, shawter challenge, if you ask me.
The Wine Mom Staple
This is a must-have in any wine mom’s shower. Look, there’s never not a good time to drink wine. This wine holder allows you to cleanse your body and cleanse your soul at the same time.
It’s perfect for your morning shower, your night shower, and especially your midday five o’clock shower.
“One Glass Please”
There’s never a big enough glass of wine for a wine mom. After they get over their most stressful part of the day — driving their kids to school safely — they need a big glass of wine.
If you’re a true wine mom, a “glass” actually means a full bottle of your favorite chardonnay while watching The Ellen Show.
There’s A Direct Correlation
A wine mom goes through her day knowing she has a glass of wine waiting for her. The size of glass depends on how rough her day was. The bigger the glass, the harder the struggle.
There’s a direct correlation between the two. Wine moms constantly whisper “more wine, less whine” under their breath.
Wine Mom Vision
Look, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that wine moms have a different vision than the rest of us. They ALWAYS see double, because, well, you get it.
This Ed Sheeran wouldn’t pass the vision test of a regular mom, but it certainly passes the vision test for a wine mom who is used to seeing people’s faces distorted.
We Know The Answer To This
It’s pretty obvious. There are ONLY two types of moms out there. The categories are — moms that are proud to see you chug a bottle of wine like it’s water on a hot day, and lame moms.
This is not a lame mom. She’s so struck with pride that she can’t even decide what to do with her face.
Wine Moms Struggle In The Morning
It’s not her fault. Wine moms are usually slower in the morning because their brains don’t wake up until they taste the first drip of Pinot. Her mom was probably half-asleep when she did this little girl’s hair.
It’s like coffee moms. Some people can’t function without coffee, some people can’t function without wine. Let’s not be the ones to judge which is more appropriate.
How To Spot A Wine Mom
Literally, everything revolves around wine for a wine mom. This one gave her son’s teacher a bottle of wine with his face on it as a gift. Not only is this incredibly creative, but it’s on-brand.
Every gift that a wine mom gives is straight from the heart, and ALWAYS has to do with wine.
They Never Get Bored
One of the best things about a wine mom is that she’ll never get bored. Put it this way — have you ever had a bad time when you’re drunk? Okay, wait, don’t answer that.
But, it’s a mindset that only wine moms have in which they never get bored. Just look at what this wine mom did to keep herself busy.
Wine Mom Humor
If you have a wine mom as a parent, or know a wine mom, you’re aware that they have a sense of humor that ONLY relates to drinking.
Most wine moms will turn a blind eye to their kid having a few sips of Merlot, but once their kid starts drinking other types of alcohol, all bets are off. If it’s not red or white, it’s not right.
The Wine Mom Jokes Are Real
If you’re ever finding yourself bored and sitting in front of your computer, go to a wine mom’s social media page. Usually, they have the most cringe-worthy jokes about wine and it’s hours of entertainment.
Debra did not disappoint with this Facebook status, and neither did the conversation that ensued with another wine mom afterward.
Coffee Moms And Wine Moms Unite
I know, coffee moms and wine moms are usually enemies. They both look down on each other with moral judgment, but, in this case, they can stand united.
This is for the new brand of mom who wants to be a hybrid between the two. A coffee drinker in the morning, and a wine drinker from noon till midnight.
Your Kids Are Proud Of It
If you have a wine mom as a parent, you know the pride that you feel. There’s nothing like seeing your mom swaying with the wind at your soccer game while giggling non-stop.
She teaches you important lessons about how to hide your wine in public places so people don’t know you’re drinking.
Speaking Of Hiding Wine
This is a prime example of what life lessons a wine mom can teach you. Studies show that the kids of a wine mom get 90% less drinking in public tickets than kids who just have coffee moms.
This mom is putting on a clinic in how to travel on public transportation and “feel good” all at the same time.
Time Doesn’t Exist To A Wine Mom
You probably already know this, but time doesn’t exist to a wine mom. It’s always five o’clock somewhere, which means it’s always appropriate to drink a glass of wine.
A true wine mom can wake up and pour wine on her pancakes without flinching. This is the face of a wine mom in action.
This Can Be Taken Two Ways
Wine moms can be unpredictable sometimes. They can either be very snappy and angry, or they can be forgetful.
It’s hard to tell whether this mom is getting angry at her kid, or if she just forgot what she typed. Both of these interpretations are on-brand for a wine mom.
The Studies Are Very Telling
As has been mentioned before, wine cures everything. If you have kids and they’re bugging you, wine. If you have kids and you love them, wine. If you have kids and don’t want them, wine.
Studies show that a wine mom buys six times more wine once they have a kid. That’s not a joke. That’s also not a real study, but it’s believable.
Detail Is Not A Strong Suit
A wine mom is not known for her attention to detail. She likes to “fly by the seat of her pants” which makes no sense, but she says it anyway.
This is what happens when you let a wine mom book a hotel room. This family is lucky they didn’t end up in a hostel room with 40 Australian backpackers.
Drunk Food Is Drunk Food
What you’ll notice about a wine mom is that she doesn’t really care for expensive dinners. After the fourth bottle of wine, or in wine mom talk, “six o’clock,” everything tastes the same.
Drunk food is drunk food whether it’s lobster or a few chicken fingers from KFC. It’s just a state of mind.
Wine Moms Aren’t Here For Your Attitude
Wine moms are a lot of things, but they aren’t going to take your bad attitude. If you’re not going to make dinner, you’re not going to eat it.
This wine mom is a little drunk, a little sad, but mostly just “disappointed.” She’s about to post this picture to her Facebook page and let her other wine mom friends comment irrelevant things on it.
A Wine Mom’s Honesty
Look, if you don’t want to know the truth, don’t ask a wine mom. You know how the saying goes, “drunk words are sober thoughts,” and it’s very true for wine moms.
Since they’re at least tipsy 98% of the time, you’re almost always going to get the truth. This mom is laying it down for her son right now. Ouch.
Wine Moms Are Confident
If you’ve ever slammed back one too many bottles of wine, you know that your confidence rises about 78%. Talking to your crush becomes insanely easy, and leaving your 10-year relationship seems all too convenient.
Wine moms carry this confidence at all times. This mom isn’t about to stay around and be treated poorly. Especially after listening to Beyoncé.
They’re Weird, Sometimes
If you drink every day, you’re bound to pick up some weird habits and do some weird things. This mom is so hungry for drunk food that she’s waiting outside of the oven like a little kid waiting for a juice box.
Wine moms have impeccable patience when it comes to food.
Wine Mom Marital Issues
This one is a little bit sad. Wine moms are at just as much risk of having marital issues as the rest of us. It’s easy to see why, because they’re literally the top of the food chain and men aren’t used to that.
It takes a strong man to be with a wine mom. It’s kind of like marrying a celebrity. You just have to accept that you’re the “lesser” other half.
They Know The Cure For Everything
Wine moms are always the most loving and caring individuals. Sometimes their attempts to cheer you up fall short, but most times they know exactly how to make you happy.
They know that garlic bread and wine cure absolutely everything. There’s no crying allowed when you have a wine mom around.
The Wine Mom Special
If you ask someone at Dominoes what the “wine mom special” is, they’ll tell you this. Why? Because it’s hard to order pizza when you’ve had too much to drink.
Remember how they’re not great with details? Well, adding sauce and cheese is a detail that almost every wine mom will forget.
She Was A Wine Mom
What’s the secret to living long? Apparently, it’s being single (which many wine moms are good at), and also drinking wine. Why?
Well, it all comes down to stress levels. People who are in a relationship tend to be more stressed, and people who don’t drink wine also tend to be more stressed. There’s a direct correlation between wine and old age apparently.
Wine Mom In The Making
Wine moms are precise, and this little girl is well on her way to becoming one. If you tell a wine mom how much wine she can drink a day without getting blackout, she’ll tell you 1.67L on average.
Wine moms don’t play with generalizations. They know their consumption down to the milliliter.
Wine And Dogs
If there’s one thing about being a wine mom that is disturbing, it’s that they have an unhealthy obsession with dogs.
They treat their dog like a human, and many of them actually pour wine into their dog bowl when they don’t have a drinking partner. They need some help in this department.
Wine Moms Come With A Vengeance
You don’t want to mess with a wine mom’s kid. She will come for you, and she will do it in a way that you won’t see coming.
She’ll hit you where it hurts. In this case, she put the worst condiment on the planet onto cupcakes and it’s about to ruin a whole class’s day.