One thing I learned pretty quickly after having kids is that you can't have nice things. In fact, you really can't have anything. The natural wonder that we love about children also means they have an incredible talent for wrecking things, and wrecking them good.
It's honestly impressive how my kids continue to find new and improved ways to break, stain, and mess up everything in and outside the house. I didn't even know kids had the strength to pull off a car's rearview mirrors, but they continue to awe us with their creativity every day.
Even The Dog Is Selling You Out, Kid
They're called man's best friend, not little boy's best friend. Honestly, the poor pup looks just as mad as whatever parent is standing behind the camera.
My dog wouldn't come close to letting the kids draw on him. I bet this dog allowed it just to make sure they weren't blamed.
Reason #647 To Leave Clear Instructions For The Babysitter
I learned quickly that there's no such thing as too much detail when it comes to leaving notes for the babysitter. Saying "the kids know how to run their own bath" is not enough.
It's imperative you note "the kids know how to run their own bath but make sure it's not all at once, in our en suite, and hide the bubble bath."
A Halloween Candy Culprit Caught Red-Handed
On the bright side, this is the moment you realize your kid might have a future in gymnastics. I smell college tuition!
I've seen my kids sell their soul to me to get extra rations of their Halloween candy, but I've never had one daring enough to scale the fridge in their pajamas.
You Have To Keep Yourself Entertained Somehow
Can any of us really blame this kid for getting creative to pass the time in the bathroom? He put a whole new spin on wrecking the bathroom.
We're lucky because we have cell phones now, but let's not forget the days when we had to read the back of shampoo bottles to keep ourselves entertained.
I Don't Even Know What She's Guilty Of, But I Know She Is
There's nothing here overtly guilty, but if my daughter was drawing Satan in the middle of church, I'd automatically assume she was up to something.
If you hadn't secretly ate all the cookies or broke the TV remote in half, why would you be willing to sacrifice your soul to the devil? Something shady is happening here.
It's Like A Puzzle Now!
What's the big deal? They did so well at their 15-piece Disney princesses puzzle they thought they might as well try out another one.
I'd probably just toss out my entire laptop if this happened rather than try to Google (using unknown keys) what order the letters on a keyboard go.
Whoever Invented Bean Bag Chairs Has A Special Place Waiting For Them
You know exactly what place I'm talking about. Seriously, what human being out there decided it would be a good idea to fill a bag with billions of tiny styrofoam balls and market it to children?
Someone who never experienced the wrath of a bored and hungry toddler, that's who.
Now Everyone On The Interstate Will Know It
This is one of those extra difficult situations for any parent. Your daughter went full-blown Carrie Underwood and dug a metal screwdriver into the side of your car.
But, I mean, how do you get mad at a smile like that and an adorable message like this? There's really no winning.
What Kind Of Brute Strength Is Behind This?
I'll be honest, it takes an embarrassing amount of my own strength to move the rearview mirror. I swear if it moves at all, it barely moves an inch.
That's why I want know how a kid managed to pull the entire thing off like it was as light as a feather.
"Mom Only Said To Get My Fingers Out Of My Mouth"
This is a hot take on the "caught red-handed." More like, "caught red-footed." My kids always manage to find every loophole in what I say no matter how small it is.
I know they're going to grow up to have incredible careers as lawyers or in direct sales, but we still have some work to do.
Just Trying To Feed The Dogs
This is what we as parents like to call the "blaming the dog." At first glance, the dogs could easily be blamed for tearing into their food and getting it everywhere.
But between the guilty looks on their faces, the bowls suspiciously filled to the top, and the fact the food is kept in a sealed Tupperware, we know the truth.
I Wonder Who The Sharpie Culprit Is...
Wow, I have no idea who in the household could have taken a black permanent marker and scribbled all over the brand new suede couch. It definitely couldn't have been the one with black marker on their arms too.
Whoever the real culprit was must have scribbled on your arms too to frame you.
Kids Are Almost As Bad As A Dog
It's a controversial statement, but I'll say it: kids are more destructive than dogs. Kids will destroy because it's fun. Dogs do it out of boredom.
The most important distinction is that dogs want to please their owners, and kids couldn't care less. A dog would never look this proud of their destruction.
I Blame This One On His Uncle For Even Buying Him Silly String
You know what, if I was this mom, I couldn't even be upset. Someone had to buy him an open, loaded can of silly string.
I place the blame squarely on his uncle who obviously riled him up with sugar, then sent him home in a car with silly string.
Gordon Ramsay Would Disapprove
There's a lesson to be taught in here, it's just hard to see it through all the egg shells and yolks right now. All you have to do is wait patiently until tomorrow morning. He'll wake up and ask you what's for breakfast.
You simply say, "Sorry, there's no breakfast for the rest of the week because of all the eggs." Lesson immediately learned.
And That's How The Target Dog Was Created
You're witnessing the beautiful origin story of how Target thought up their iconic red and white target logo and the dog Bullseye. An all-white Bull Terrier is basically begging to be drawn on.
Can you blame this up-and-coming marketer for having a stroke of genius? Hopefully, the royalties from Target can pay for a new sofa.
I Wonder Who Opened Both Bottles Of Ketchup?
It doesn't take a genius to figure out which kid opened not one, but both bottles of ketchup in the household. When you're determined to make as big a mess as possible, sometimes one just won't do.
This is what you get when you make a condiment that's 50% sugar. I blame you, Heinz.
Someone Found Mommy's Special Friends
I am just picturing the sheer size of the toilet clog that is going to come from this, solely because any woman out there knows just how absorbent those are.
I'd estimate there's at least twenty in that toilet, each carrying triple their weight in water. Bring out dad's extra special plunger for this disaster.
Don't Drink Apple Juice And Drive
Like father like son. Getting your little tike a mini version of your own car seems like a great idea until you realize just how much of your driving habits they've picked up from their car seat.
Now, every time you speed over a curb or don't use a turn signal, you'll have to preface it with, "Don't do what mommy's doing."
Not What Mom Was Thinking When She Wanted To Redecorate
I'm overwhelmed just looking as the dollar amounts of everything here tick up and up. Replace the TV? $1000. Reupholster the couch? $800. Put in all new hardwood flooring? $1500. The list goes on and on.
At least the two weeks of quiet while they're grounded will make it somewhat worth it.