trampled to death by her llamas. Don’t mess with llamas.
….Thought I would clarify a couple things: the original story wasn’t that the zebra froze to death in a winter storm but that it was chronically ill from the wet and cold weather and eventually succumbed to this illness. Also, I have no idea how she acquired the zebra. She had an ostrich too and that thing was also mean as hell.
My dad once told me fried calamari was just fried chicken to get me to eat it, assuming that I’d like it and he could tell me afterwards, “HA! You ate squid and you liked it!”
Joke was on him though, turns out I’m deathly allergic to squid.
A relative of mine tells her kid that if she behaves well at school for 5 days in a row, she can have two days off school. The kid has no idea that’s the weekend.
I used to just spew out random numbers to my mom, telling to add, subtract, multiply, etc. She would, in turn, tell me what the final number would be. Blew my mind, and she was the damn smartest person on the planet. Then I got clever. One day I got a calculator out to make sure she had it right. She didn’t.
Wasn’t really a bomb my mom dropped on me, but a bomb I unwittingly opened.
I was trying to get a job at several places when I was 16. I was pretty tech savvy at the time, and genuinely thought I could get a job working a help desk for a power company, a bank, and a few other places.
I started to check the mail every day to see if I had gotten a letter, since I wasn’t sure they’d send me a letter, e-mail, or call. I got a few letters from the places I had applied to, and I excited opened them.
They were bills of significant debt, all defaulted on. She said she’d pay them back and close it. I believed her, so dropped it. I didn’t know how credit worked back then, and I didn’t know what extremes my mother would go to.
A few years later (Several years after graduating and entering the workforce), I try to get credit on my own and get flat denied by everyone. I got letters from collectors representing the companies that my mom had opened accounts with under my name. They said the bills were never paid on. I claimed identity theft and managed to get the responsibility shifted off of myself and onto my mom, after filing a police report and talking to several companies over the phones across the span of several months. All of them said that she opened the account in my name by claiming she was my wife.
My favorite toys would go missing, turns out they destroyed them because they made too much noise.
My dad used to call me into the bathroom to look at his poop. I was always shocked out of my mind… it looked like little stars and perfect circles and even dog bones. I couldn’t figure out why mine always looked stupid. Turns out he was (Continued)